


Right in between...

by lakemonsters



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Remembers, M/M, Steve Rogers Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-06 05:35:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 9,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5404973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakemonsters/pseuds/lakemonsters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of shorts and fragments about Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes after the events in the movie. Based on the MCU - very much speculative and highly independent of the comic-plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ...this place and that

“If I didn’t say this before, I will say it now - your friend is NUTS. No one uses the Greyhound anymore. No one. Unless you are looking for trouble.”

“Sam…”

“It’s not sanitary at all. Not at all.”

“Sam.”

“What?!”

“You’re being very elitist about this. He’s trying to stay off the grid and the best way to do that is use mass transportation. To find him we have to think like him, see things from his point of view.” Steve says as he finds their seats and lets Sam have the one nearest the window. He pulls his baseball cap low and tight to hide his face to avoid unwanted attention.

“Well we can think like him and then deduce what he will do next but we don’t have to follow him around step for step - like doing this will bring forth some kind of epiphany as to why he’s running and running…” Sam says this in an even tone and as he winds down, notices that Steve is looking past him – at the scenery playing outside the window as the bus moves slowly out of the station.

“I’ll figure it out, Sam. If I see what he sees - I might be able to understand how he thinks now.”

All Steve knows for sure is Bucky’s desire for rediscovery - before the memory wipes, before the transition from human to monster, there was a life he called his and now that there is an opportunity there’s no other choice but to make the most of it.

“California, though.” Sam wheedles.

“It’s a kick off point. A start and I think he is going to make it back to Brooklyn by bus as well, take the scenic route.”

Sam whimpers.

“I’d say walk it off but the bus is already moving…”

“If you weren’t Captain America I swear…” Sam gestures a back-handing and smiles. It makes Steve smile a little as well.

*

The trip they get is an express; less stops and slicing an eight hour trip to five. Steve and Sam both doze off, saving their strength and resting when they can because pursuing Bucky is not easy and though their leads have been accurate; the fact that they have not seen Bucky frustrates them - Steve more so than Sam.

“I spy….”

Steve wakes up to a couple of kids - little boys - in vacant seats across from him playing a game, making the most of the view outside - perhaps, to the eyes of children, everything is fascinating, everything feels brand new.

“…a green little car!”

Both kids laugh at that and they notice Steve watching and they look at him before smiling then carrying on with their game.

//We are now in Santa Barbara. We will refuel for 30 minutes. Kindly use this time to eat or use the toilet. Thank you.//

The announcement is straightforward and Sam wakes up to it. Steve stands up to give Sam space to move as they both wordlessly decide that a bathroom break is necessary. Steve is waiting for Sam to collect his bag of toiletries and the kids continue to play (their parents opting to stay out as the other passengers exit the bus).

Steve’s back is turned to them

“I spy a scary man!”

“I spy a scarier man!”

It sounds funny to an adult who has no visual to what the kids are talking about so Steve turns to look at the ‘scary man’ and 'scarier man’ – his smile fades as the visual comes through clear and he has to step closer to the window.

“Sam…”

“Right behind you.”

“Tell me I’m not seeing things.”

Because he has to be sure. Because he’s wanted to see Bucky since he left him at the banks of the river in DC. Because he has to know that it’s not just his desire dictating his brain - making him see things that aren’t actual there.

“Nope. I spy…”

Sam doesn’t get to finish as Steve politely moves past him, past the old lady (he says a gentle -excuse me, please forgive me- as he does so) who is next to the man in a suit (that irately tells Steve to wait his turn). 

Steve keeps apologizing - but they’re just words - his attention, his focus somewhere else.

He sees Bucky from inside the bus - as he stands up and gets in line to board another liner. Steve panics a little and is tempted to start throwing people out of his was but he can’t do that now, can he? So he does the next best thing.

“BUCKY! BUCKY!”

*

And for being a good person, maybe heaven deems Steve worthy of a small gift.

Bucky hears him. Bucky looks up.


	2. ...the gutter and the stars

Their lead to Bucky’s whereabouts push them South of California.

They make the most out of their travel.

Food, as uncharacteristic as it may be, ends up being a conversation catalyst for Sam and Steve. It’s like a paramount mover - because it doesn’t matter if they are in worst or best of moods. When the other asks about where they’ll end up eating - they both know that the conversation’s going to end well.

They end up at a burger joint right off Vine and Sunset. An avant-garde sort of place, all black wand white with splotches of red and a huge wrought iron sculpture of bicycling bovines to accompany their logo.

Steve is not amused. 

Then again, he isn’t a fan of California and for the life of him he wishes he doesn’t understand why Bucky’s here. But he does and he will continue to understand - so he will continue to endure. How many wistful and hungry nights did they spend talking about traveling to wide open places?

Wyoming. Iowa. California.

For a couple of Brooklyn boys - the prospect of seeing more - outside their chrome colored world was something no less than exciting. And at that time - it was something to talk about.

Their orders arrive and Sam does not stand on ceremony as he starts digging into his Green Onion and Blue Cheese burger. Steve takes a moment to look at his food - it looks good, smells even better. He takes a moment to appreciate it because there was a time when he had none, when the possibility of even a sandwich was impossible. But he lived through that, they lived through it.

Was Bucky eating right? What’s this place called again? Maybe he could bring Bucky here once…once…things are better.

Steve doesn’t realize that he’s balled his hands into fists. Sam has to quietly talk him out of his nostalgia. Out of the world that Steve carries with him deep in his heart, like a petulant darkness that hovers near the brightest light.

“Steve. Eat the burger. That’s what it’s for.”

“Sorry.”

“S'okay.”

Steve takes a bite and eats slowly, concentrating on one side of his sandwich.

“Eat the whole thing.”

“…”

“If you get it to go - it won’t be as good and there’s **no one** in the hotel room to eat it. You can’t share something if he ain’t there.”

Something inside Steve crashes, but he holds it together and just nods and fakes a smile - begins eating in earnest until nothing’s left. As he chews on the last bite of food - Steve thinks that this must be how it feels like to live with the ghost of _you_.


	3. ...the words we must speak

It will begin and end with a quiet gesture - as Steve quietly sits in a corner of a SHIELD-owned plane. he isn’t contemplating, he’s currently checked out from all thought and feelings. The first time in months he’s allowed himself to acknowledge the possibility that Bucky may not want to be found, Bucky may not want to be acknowledged.

Bucky may want to go his own way.

*

“That’s all? The Wi– Bucky saw him, heard him but still hopped on that bus?”

“Yup.” Sam, the witness to it all - just shrugs and tries not to remember how crestfallen Steve had looked at that moment. It almost makes Sam want to despise Bucky, but the wiser side of him knows that he shouldn’t because if the man is trying to find a sense of himself - he doesn’t need the company and the noise of outsiders.

Like it or not - apart from Bucky himself - they are all outsiders - even Steve.

*

Sam makes his way to where Steve is sitting and sits across from him, watching him with eyes that neither judge nor sympathize (because that’s the last thing Steve needs, the last thing).

“He’s kind of like an empty box, you know.”

Steve looks up a little puzzled - “What?”

“Bucky. He’s got so little memory to go on that it’s like he’s an empty box and he’s trying to fill it with things he believes is part of his past.”

Steve’s eyes narrow - as if saying - he is the biggest part of Bucky’s past and if he’s trying to reconcile the past and present then he is the biggest factor.

“You’re the biggest distraction.” Sam beats him to it.

“Because?”

“Because he wants to do this alone. Because for what it’s worth, the man wants to do something of his own will. On his own. Because the last thing he needs is his friend showing him things from his own damn life…”

“But it’s always been Bucky and myself. Always.”

“One and one – is still two, Cap.”

“I just want him to be okay.”

“Then trust him. That he can find his way. It’s not assured that he’ll find his way to you or to our neck of the woods. But isn’t it just a good thing to know he’s not just a puppet now?”

Steve’s jaw clenches and he looks down at his worn boots - he exhales and silently tells himself - ‘til the end of the line…’

Is this the end for them? 

It’s all up to Bucky. 

Right then - it dawns on Steve that he’s forgotten the most important part of their friendship. The absolute trust in Bucky that made it work then and should make it work in the future, how ever long it may take. If Bucky is indeed like a box and he’s filling himself with information, pieces of the past - then maybe he (Steve) can help.

Maybe without pursuing Bucky physically he may be able to reach him with words - declarations - allegations and truths from their shared life.

Steve looks up at Sam and for the first time there is light in his eyes.

“What are you up to?” Sam side glances at him.

“Nothing. Nothing at all.”

Steve gets up from where he is seated and walks to where Natasha is -

“What is it, Steve?”

“I need Bucky’s exact whereabouts right now. He’s running on West Pacific Time - I need it because I am going to talk to him. One time. And then no more.”

Natasha looks a bit lost (just a bit), she eyes Sam (who just shrugs). 

“Give me a second to call my informant.”

Steve nods - satisfied.


	4. ...our past and your future

The television is alive and well as the occupant of the room moves from one end to the other - securing, checking, staying alive - the best way he knows how. Activity strange and repetitive, but it’s vigilance that keeps animals alive and carelessness that gets them killed.

Normalcy to the wolf is mayhem to everything else that falls into its regular diet. He’s used to being the wolf, never anything else.

Elmer Fudd is on screen and he’s speaking with an impediment that he finds atrociously funny. There is a faded smile tugging at his lips but it is gone in a second.

The rabbit that Elmer’s trying to catch - outwits him and he ends up in a bad way; a hole in his hat and shredded bottoms. 

It’s not funny anymore. 

Elmer, the hunter, is now a victim? 

It’s not…

The phone rings and he hesitates.

Looks at it with disdain and opts to ignore it. Minutes on and it continues, relentless in its pursuit to reach him. There is a sinking feeling in his chest, because in the deepest crevices of his heart - he knows who it is.

He picks up –

– the person on the other line cuts him off.

“Bucky.”

“…”

“Okay. You don’t need to speak. Just know that I’m stopping. From this day on. I’ll leave it all up to you, if you find that you need me - I know that you know how to reach me.”

“…”

“But…but…that doesn’t mean that I will stop reaching out to you. Some way and some how, I will find a way to speak to you - a letter, a message or a phone call. All I ask is for you to listen. That’s all. Our friendship has reached a century and though you remember none of it - I do. I have the memory that’s big enough for us.”

“Stop. Steve.”

“I’m sorry, Bucky. I can give you space but you can’t ask me to give up.”

“Steve…”

“I promise that I won’t get in your way.”

Bucky doesn’t confirm anything, simply sets the receiver down quietly. He imagines that outside is mid-day, sunny and filled with children playing in this lost pocket of Los Angeles.

And he tells himself that nothing’s shorn or shone - that the heart that he knowsn – is in his hands isn’t bleeding nor broken. 

That Steve, all of him, is unbreakable.


	5. ...your heart and mine

The first card turns up at the next motel that Bucky decides to stay at. A racy little place with tacky exterior of pink and white and sea green. The card, handed to him by a worker without really looking at him. It takes Bucky a second to take the card and shove a disposable debit card for check-in purposes.

How Steve knows where to send the card is elementary - SHIELD is everywhere. While Bucky roams America for self-serving purposes, a big part of the reason of why he can is because he is allowed to. But it doesn’t mean freedom or anonymity. No matter how hard they all try to fall under the grid - in the end the clout is too vast and freedom is a Utopian Dream.

He’s handed a key attached to a scary looking pine sculpted keychain, he looks at it and decides not to think about it too much and judge its existence. As he walks to his assigned room, he flips the card to find that it’s actually vintage - a Knowles illustration of the Tortoise and the Hare - meant to be part of a children’s collection back in the mid-40s. It’s familiar and he appreciates Steve’s effort to stay close to what he knows is their past, their roots.

Bucky lets himself in the motel room, drops his backpack on the bed and sits beside it.

Steve’s handwriting is neat and if it makes any sense - Bucky feels as if Steve wrote it calmly, with utmost serenity in each stroke and punctuation. The cursive is endearing, though Bucky will never admit it. 

He reads the short message - he contemplates, then sets it aside, message-side facing the room, the card propped against the mandatory lamp on the bedside table. 

Maybe he will reply to this, maybe he won’t.

He will know in the morning.

*

“Bucky,

After I got back from Los Angeles I agreed to immediately go on assignment. Stark Industries showcase fares have prototype flying cars. One day they may take over road cars, just like road cars took over horse carriages. I just wanted to let you know.

‘Til the next card,

Steve”

*

That night Bucky dreams of a global expo with futuristic machines and gadgets; he’s flanked by ladies with rabbit faces for heads. He’s not freaked out, just wondering why they’re like that.

Bucky dreams that he’s walking along all these inventions, but as fascinated as he is with them, he’s got his eyes on one thing - person - this skinny kid with a light smile and a crease just above the brows - in his dream he calls him

_“Stevie...”_


	6. ...the belly and the lungs

Steve Rogers wakes up to a light beeping sound coming from the intercom at the far side of his room. He sees the red blinker go off and he takes a while to will up some good sense and answer.

“Good morning, Jarvis.”

“Good morning, Sir. I apologize for waking you but I do have good news.”

“I need to wake up anyway. What is it?”

“A postcard has come for you. It’s sender we believe is classified under your Important Contacts. Thus the wake up call.”

Steve knows what it is, Steve knows who it’s from and there is an excitement thrumming in his body. Suddenly alive, he hides a smile.

“I’ll go get it from the lobby.”

“Very well, Sir.”

He doesn’t know if it’s some sort of delaying tactic or if he’s truly earning the right to read this postcard - but he first takes a 13 mile run before settling under a nice comfortable tree in Central Park before taking out the card from his pocket.

It’s a plain card with the name of the motel that Steve sent the Knowles postcard to. 

Maybe it’s the only card available to his friend. Maybe.

_“Your mother used to layer flavors in the Onion Soup she made. Always wiping the garlic clove around the pot to leave the flavor there. Strange but it worked. I think I’ve not tasted better.”_

Bucky does not sign on the card, but Steve holds on to his control, to not be the kind of man that jumps on benches and waves fists of victory at random strangers. Steve wants to cry because this is a memory so far back in their history, separate from their war dog past. 

It’s pure and simple and true.

Most of all - Bucky remembers - a part of who they used to be.


	7. ...a rock and a hard place

So, there are days when he can’t write to Bucky and there are days when he can but not as soon as he’d like to. Steve thinks that this worry is not some juvenile fancy - it’s friendship on the mend. It’s healing. And it’s very important.

The Avengers lay low in an abandoned palace somewhere in Sierra Leone - Captain America is on lookout as some of his teammates like Natasha and Bruce get some much needed rest. He seats himself near a decrepit window, the moss mostly covering part of the stairwell he sits on. Times like these his hand itches for the pen - to write or to draw, to ask and to tell - a simple ‘how’s it going?’ or 'what did you do today?’ mundane starts to fragmented conversations.

But –

they are conversations nonetheless.

His communicator lights up and it’s a direct satellite message from New York.

“Captain Rogers, this is to inform you that a card came for you just now. Staff will keep it safe until you get back. Good luck on your mission.”

Steve pockets the device and though he’s elated, keeps vigilant on his watch.

“Even my Jarvis has caught on to how important those little love notes are, Cap.”

“Stark…”

Tony is unmasked and he rolls his eyes playfully, amused at Steve self-preservation.

“Just saying. I’ve heard about reliving the 90s - God knows I do because I breathe Megadeth - but to go as far back as the 40’s? You’ve got some serious nostalgia going on there. ”

Steve gives Tony an incredulous look but how can he ever deny the importance of Bucky’s cards and how precious it is that these notes are in their handwriting, a shard of their identity. 

He stares at him then looks away. 

"We can't go forward unless we step back -- for now at least."

Tony bristles --

"This is where I back off - when the Hallmark quotes come a pourin'..."

Steve just shakes his head and ignores it when Tony cups the ball of his shoulder and gives it a squeeze because Tony is right in a big way, then again so is he: The fact that his connection to Bucky is going to turn a century and they’re still grasping at the seams.

Clawing at the start.

 

*

 

The card turns out to be some form of farewell.

Steve turns it over and then reads it again. They have not even said hello yet - and here's Bucky telling him that he's going even deeper underground, that this should be the last note for now. He does not know when the next one will come. But wasn't it Steve's turn to write him back? The frustration shows in his face as he all but drags himself to the elevator - hoping that no one, not one of his teammates show and share the ride with him.

It's too much to hope for because - it's Tony - the man himself that slides between the panels - grinning at him as they ascend.

"There is no more privacy in the world. I know what's written there."

"I know." Steve says, looking ahead.

"I know what?" Tony back pedals, making it obvious that Steve fell for the bait and he was actually fishing for information.

"Tony. Please. No games. Not now."

"You really have no idea how I really play do you?" He's a little smug but concern paints the edges of his smile. "You need help, you just ask. You're a company man. You know how these things go."

Steve remains silent as they ascend a few more floors. They reach his suite and he steps forward to exit - Tony lives in the penthouse so he has ten more to go. At the last minute, Steve stops and holds the panels open, heaving a sigh and without looking at Tony says

"I thought we were making progress. Now I feel like I'm back where I started."

Steve freezes when he feels a hand gently tap him between the shoulder blades. "Good things come to those who ask." The touch disappears as quickly as it came. Steve looks back and Tony is grinning at him like a mad man.

"Gone underground, sure, but he's East-bound."

And it may be because Steve is still caught up in the feeling of loss that he has to utter a sound to ground himself, something akin to 'wuh' that makes Stark laugh out loud. 

"What was that, Cap?"

Steve gathers himself. "I meant to say - what was that?"

"I think he's coming home. He doesn't want to be contacted, doesn't want to be recognized, which is what SHIELD is giving him for now. But he's coming home. I'm pretty sure of that."

 

*

That night - Steve can't sleep. So, he busies himself with a sketch of the old neighborhood - of the small nuances that makes their home... _home_ : The kids playing in the street, the elusive smiles of their neighbors and the poverty that bound them together. A somber solidarity, the foundation of who they are. 

The sketch is smudgy and the background dark in lead 6B.

Hours go by and he forges on til sunrise.

 

*

As he puts the final touches on Bucky's face - Steve looks at the child's face with a smile - because even on paper - _he_ is the illumination of Steve's whole world.


	8. ...his heart and your throat

For the life of him - he doesn’t really know why he’s decided on staying in Bronx (the other end of New York, the opposite direction of Brooklyn). Picking out a small apartment in Neil Avenue, about five minutes walk to the nearest subway station (Morris Park) - where he can catch the Number Five to Manhattan all the way to Flatbush.

Bucky’s had his fill of cross-country travel - he’s got a hefty wad of bus tickets and a healthy pile of post cards as proof. Now he’s in this mindset of dissecting New York, picking out the nitty gritty. He doesn’t remember much but he has the impression that once upon a time - he wasn’t even allowed to be in this borough. So now that he can, he will.

Bucky doesn’t have cable or a television for that matter - so when he decides to have dinner at a local deli and the telly is showcasing the news with a feature story on Captain America.

It’s not a good one, though. It’s about some new generation fanatic with enough tech savvy to put together a whole website featuring the war hero (and current Avenger). The website has the usual bio and credentials and photos. The things that make it bad are the speculative ‘essays’ and 'photo manipulations’ - a number of them not so innocent. It’s well-written, but it’s the kind of adoration that’s taken too far that one can assume it just turns to hate at some point.

Bucky mutters under his breath: He must be hating this kind of attention.

And this surprises him because how dare he assume what Captain America - what Steve Rogers - hates? How he can be sure of Steve’s reaction makes his shoulders hurt because his muscles are tense and it confuses him.

The sandwich in front of him is forgotten, the coffee he takes to go.

Bucky breathes in and breathes out –

Could this be more confusing? 

Could this be more surprising than it already is?

Walking along Haight - another pin drop of memory dawns on him: _This is where you usually give Steve pep talks. This is where you drop everything else and go see him._


	9. ...the glory days and the summer haze

The 1930s are over and the 1940s have long gone.

Bucky is having a very modern predicament at the moment. See, he didn’t think about this while in the subway aboard the number five. Sure, he had the bright idea of traveling all the way from the Bronx to Manhattan but he didn’t think about how he was going to get in touch with Steve without anybody else knowing. He can’t throw pebbles at his bedroom window nor can he holler his name and actually be heard hundreds of feet above ground.

Okay, so now he is standing outside Stark Towers and he’s decidedly blown his cover and Bucky is sure that everyone inside knows he’s there. Would Steve know by now? 

He breathes in and flexes his fists - both metal and flesh - to center himself before he walks firmly to the main entrance and subject himself to security check. He does this for Steve, for the friendship he barely remembers but strongly feels. Steve deserves this because he’s a good person, this is a small sacrifice because he needs to reach him, needs to tell him that little things are all part of the journey. Bucky needs to sound like he knows what he is talking about.

The robots at security check scan him twice and immediately allows him to the main lobby - “Mr. Barnes, Captain Rogers will be with you shortly.”

The main lobby of Tony Stark’s building - his home and not his office - looks like a museum of Howard Stark’s blueprints and inventions. Bucky reckons that these are the fanciful brainchildren, rejects - while all other - deadlier, competent inventions are under lock and key.

“Bucky…”

He looks up to see Steve - a little pink and breathless.

“Did you run all the way down here?”

“I did.”

Bucky is a little taken aback by the answer and in the absence of all other reactions -he just smiles. "Do you want to have a cup of coffee?“

At first, Steve looks utterly flabbergasted, then he looks overjoyed.

"There’s a cafeteria on the fifth floor…”

It’s an open offer, and while Bucky wanted them to go out and find some obscure shop somewhere, he also wanted Steve to be comfortable - to not get in trouble for mingling with a person of interest. He doesn’t want Steve to decide because he knows that Steve will always, always choose him.

“Lead the way.” he says.

But of course, Steve doesn’t lead him, Steve finds his spot beside Bucky and as their shoulders touch he guides him to where the elevators are.


	10. ...doomed love and happily ever after

Bucky first sees Steve through the searing pain of a bruised shin. He spots him beyond the iron fence of the playground that divides the park into smaller sections. Poor neighborhood kids are not sweet stuff but caged animals. Bucky sees him half -dancing and half-concentrating on putting in a good swing directed at another boy. 

Bucky thinks he is somewhere between absurd and beautiful. He watches the futile fight happen, watches as Steve relentlessly tries and tries but never connects.

Then it starts to rain –

and his opinion of Steve shifts because at first Bucky thinks of running for shelter, but then sees Steve charge at full force, like his swan song in a final battle. He doesn’t remember ever running faster or jumping higher just to get to the other side of that fence.

Steve is on the ground and so is the bully he was trying to take down. Bucky is the only one left standing with a bloody fist to his name. He looks down at Steve and they smile at one another.

Water doesn’t stop him from enjoying the moment. 

They leave the playground soaked to the bone.

They end up sitting up all night by the covered stairwell of Steve’s house - talking all night and not realizing that this is the end of their beginning.

 

*

 

The cup of coffee in front of him remains untouched at Steve asks the attendant for his second round. Taller man looks around calmly before resting his gaze at his friend. "Buck, you gonna talk to me? Didn’t come here just to stare at me, right? I mean that would worry me a lot.“

Bucky tunes in to the soft voice and it rattles his bones in a way that is good and he knows it’s good so he feel out of sorts. He balls his fists on the table, then looks up at Steve’s blue eyes.

"You’re okay, right?”

“What do you mean? I am…why shouldn’t I be?”

“The news. I was watching and I figured…”

“…you’d come see me to check on me.” Steve is a little pink as he finishes Bucky’s sentence.

“Yeah.”

“I’m alright. It’s new to me. Stark calls it a ‘cyber attack’ but I simply call it bad manners.”

This makes Bucky smile and he slides the untouched cup of coffee to the side and holds out his hands to the middle of the table. These are offerings, these are the only things he can show for. If there ever was a most precious meaning to the two of them - it should be the fact that Bucky will never stop defending this good man.

“I could look for him and make him –”

“Don’t even finish that thought. It’s okay. I am really okay.”

Steve doesn’t even think about it as he reaches for Bucky, hand in hand, like it’s enough to reconcile the years between them.

Bucky moves his fingers to hold Steve’s hand and he looks out the window and sees the rain begin to fall. "Same rain…like that day…"

Steve is distracted from his own thoughts and narrows his eyes - “Buck, what was that?”

Bucky shakes his head. He’s not ready for this conversation.

“Nothing. Drink your coffee…”


	11. ...the rain and the river

Bucky wakes up to a world no different from a river.

Everything is swimming and unfamiliar, this isn’t his bed, this isn’t his room. 

The sky is too far to reach from where he is laying down, the shade pulled back giving him the perfect view of this extraordinarily stunning city. Bucky looks around and there are bits and pieces of yesterday that he can use to try and figure out, but first he needs to stretch out the stiffness of his metal arm.

It’s not like he’s in a nightmare.

The room is actually very airy and clean, there is nothing about it that makes him feel uneasy. He realizes he’s still in yesterday’s clothes. There’s a bookshelf on the other side of the room, books about history and art. The bed he’s laying in is only big enough for one person so when he realizes that he’s not alone it feels a cramped.

“Steve.”

“…What?”

“I stayed the night.”

“Rain was too strong, we both agreed you’d stay. Guest bed room.”

“Why are you in the guest bedroom with me?”

Steve doesn’t answer at once, he looks hurt and confused at the same time. He closes his eyes and nods once before looking sideways at Bucky. "We’ve done this before. And I didn’t want to go all the way down the hall.“

"I see.” Bucky half-smiles, half frowns.

“It’s my guest room. Well, Stark’s but still…”

Bucky is about to say more when Steve’s mobile phone comes alive with a call. Steve looks annoyed at the interruption but moves to answer the mysterious caller.

It’s not that much of a mystery. It’s Stark.

“Cap! Heard you had a sleepover. I am hurt you didn’t invite me but since I am not a meanie like you - tell your friend to join us for breakfast in five.”

Tony doesn’t wait for him to reply and hangs up.

“What is it?” Bucky asks, concerned.

“Breakfast.” Steve quips.


	12. ...fact and fiction

These are faces he is familiar with, but he doesn’t know them and they don’t know him. There’s a certain justice to this breakfast table. And with that he is okay with the set up, no matter how dislocated he feels, no matter how hard they try to hide their cold stares - Bucky feels pigeonholed as the first boyfriend that their favorite daughter (and more like son in this case) has brought home.

Then again he is not…not yet.

He doesn’t relent because he doesn’t know how to. He stares back vigilantly.

“Bucky…eat…” Steve says tentatively.

“Will do so, as soon as they stop staring at me like I’m a sex offender.”

Steve looks up and glowers at his team. “Manners” - he says.

And Bucky dies a little inside because AS IF they would follow.

No one does.

No one.

Until Clint Barton breaks the silence - “This is like a scene from Trainspotting.”

For once, Bucky knows the reference, because he’d been randomly picking out books and this was ripped straight out of the the gut of the 90s. He chuckles mirthless as Clint joins him. Steve is a little lost, while Stark catches on finally.

“Okay what’s with the laughs?” Steve finally asks.

Stark meaningfully looks at the Captain and then at the Winter Soldier before he sighs dramatically –

“What our dear Hawkeye means good Captain is that - he’s waiting for shit to figuratively (because unlike the book...well...that's that) hit the fan.”

Steve blanches, a little confused and really TONY NEEDS TO WATCH HIS LANGUAGE. They’re having breakfast for goodness sake.

Bucky looks away because he is now laughing in earnest.


	13. ...your smile and your anger

Inside in that secret hideaway; they feel happy because it isn’t always going to be like this.

They both know that this is probably the last time that Tony Stark will permit Bucky to set foot in his property so freely and without following protocol.

Breakfast was an anomaly.

A pretense, all for Steve’s sake because he is their leader and he has taken his personal battles and pushed them far, far into the back burner. Steve’s always put himself last and this might be the only way they could ever say thank you without stumbling on the words.

They find themselves in front of the elevator doors - a smidgeon of privacy before they walk out to the main lobby. Steve is looking and Bucky and he in turn is looking at a point beyond Steve’s ear.

“I’ll come see you if you’d let me.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“There is no reason?”

“Bucky, I don’t need a reason.” He lifts his hand slowly and cradles his friend’s jaw gently and smiles a little. His resolve is absolute and he’s letting Bucky know this way.

“Sometimes…you confuse me. Most times you scare me.”

“And you worry me. All the time.”

“I wish…I wish I could remember everything clearly. But I can only come up with little things. When I was in California they all came in dreams and it’s too slow, Steve. Too slow.”

“It’s not how much you know about the past, Bucky. It’s just having the freedom to get to know yourself again. You didn’t have that before. Now you do.”

“Steve…” Bucky closes his eyes and exhales, stepping closer to his friend and carefully circling both metal and human arms around his torso, holding on to what Bucky’s defined as his center, his peace.

“Where are you staying now?”

“…”

“Bucky, please.”

“Haight, Bronx.”

“Jesus. Why are you…”

“I’m not in Westchester, at least.”

“Yeah but you’re right in the middle of Little Russia.”

“Right now, I feel most comfortable there. Maybe I’ll move back to Brooklyn someday.”

Steve exhales. "You can do whatever it is you need to, Buck.“ Bucky holds on tighter. 

"Come with me.”

“You need not tell me that.” Steve says as he steps back and lightly pats Bucky’s artificial shoulder before sliding the same hand lower to hold the cold metal hand in his.


	14. ...the moon and new york city

Midtown is the belly of the beast.

Steve Rogers knows this and is unafraid of New York City - for this is home to him and Bucky. For this is the city that knew them before they knew themselves. He glances at Bucky as they traverse 42nd heading to Grand Central Station.

He doesn’t do this often but tonight, Steve wears his Yankees baseball cap and he adjusts it as they walk. He hears thunder overhead and maybe that’s just him preparing for a routine New York drizzle.

Bucky glances at him but continues walking at a steady pace, long strides that make walking seem effortless - simply treading on a river current. To Steve, Bucky transforms the sidewalks into a flow of omnipresent gray, water that relentlessly move towards the sea.

And they are both misplaced aquatics.

“We should hurry before the rain falls.” Steve says off-hand.

Bucky just nods and smirks - “Are you implying that I am tired?”

“I’m saying you’re slowing down a bit there.” Steve tries to keep his mind on the level, tries desperately not to gutter even though he is sorely tempted to. For someone so proper, he really likes verbal foreplay.

Bucky knows this so he diligently strokes him figuratively. “Are you afraid of the rain, Steve?”

“Never.”

And this is true. Bucky - though memory is fragmented can tell that the other man wasn’t one who waited for storms to break, he went after them, caught them and broke them in his palms.

Bucky closes his eyes and swallows, he moves a little closer to Steve and clears his throat. He wants to be the storm that Steve breaks - wants to be out there - born in the middle of the sea, brewing, wanting some form of release.

Thunder rolls. Lightning crashes.

Steve isn’t greedy but he can still read Bucky like a book and underline his enthusiasm. Steve intentionally slows down, like a lazy walk under the summer rain.

This is not a clandestine affair, this is rebuilding a past so broken and pulverized that they can rewrite the most of it. Physicality simplifies their vocabulary - and Bucky had set the tone when he showed up in front of Stark’s building and stayed the night. 

Needs were different from desires - but they still have the same promises and the same hearts that they once gave one another. Some things time can never change.

And they need so much and desire so little.

They cross the Avenue of The Americas side by side; two against the multitude, their steps square over the yellow painted lines of the road.

Bucky looks up as the first drops of water hit his forehead, he wipes it away gently. His skin sizzling in contrast. The first drop of rain is always the coldest.

“I live alone. We have the house to ourselves.”

“Good to know.”

Steve quips and holds the door open with his shoulder for Bucky and a few ladies behind them.

*

The train is full heading Uptown and Steve makes sure he stands behind Bucky as they ever-so-subtly press against one another. 

The tunnels give way to sky rails and faint light touch their faces - Bucky slowly leans back so his temple touches Steve’s cheek lightly.

“We’ll be there in ten minutes.” Is all he says.


	15. ...this love and that

The age of martyrdom is not dead.

Because Steve Rogers still lives and breathes – his legend still inspires good in some people. Because Steve Rogers is dying a little right now as he offers his hand to James Buchanan and when the latter takes it, he holds on for dear life.

The walk back to Bucky’s apartment is a quick one. 

No one minds, no one cares.

This is the Bronx and the quickstep is the best step - go your own way and no one gets hurt.

When Bucky opens the door for them, Steve has to let go, but he’s right beside him just as quickly when the door closes. They walk to the small balcony a few steps away from the open kitchen - overlooking a small man made lake that swallows parts of Morris Park’s foundations. It’s not the best view, unlike that of Tony’s building - but it’s a breathtaking backdrop to Bucky looking at him.

Steve quietly moves - hands honestly moving over Bucky’s shoulder, down in between the shoulder blades. It’s a delicious stretch when Bucky reciprocates and slides his hands over Steve’s sides to rest just above his ass. They don’t speak, they only gaze and think of how to rewrite them. The clouds overhead barely visible as the drizzle gradually stops.

“You shouldn’t worry too much.” The first sentence Bucky offers.

“I worry no more than you do.” Steve says - his words are heavy.

Semantics is a tricky thing and notions aren’t always what they seem.

Bucky inhales and shifts minutely wanting a witty one-liner that ends up with him uttering absolutely nothing. He moves his fingertips over Steve’s shirt and feels out the knots underneath the layer of cotton and skin. Bucky believes that Steve can be cruel without meaning to.

This whole situation’s convoluted yet simple.

In a perfect world Steve leads and he follows.

The world isn’t perfect, though. Otherwise they wouldn’t be here. Otherwise, there would be no need for flawless killing machines like them. But his train of thought halts right there. Bucky’s always careful not to look too far back: no one wants to see dark empty spaces.

“Look at me, Buck.”

“I am…” Though he looks a bit to the side.

“Bucky” Steve never asks for comfort or begs for an embrace. All he has to do is say Bucky’s name and it’s like a cliff-note written with lemon juice. As long as Bucky knows where to look and what to listen to he will always know what to do and what to give his Captain.

His embrace is tight and his kiss to the side of Steve’s neck is gently savage - with tongue and teeth. Steve’s drowning in warmest assault he’s ever known and his fingers claw helplessly at Bucky’s jacket.

Funny how Steve literally asks for nothing - but Bucky gives him everything he has.

Steve breaks free, smiles and looks at him: the side of his neck throbbing and alive and bruised. It’ll heal because of the serum, but he has this few moments to relish the feeling, to enjoy the fact that Bucky’s had his way and declared that Steve is his.

Bucky wonders if Steve sees what all this does to him: how it would be marvelous, if Bucky could look at Steve without feeling so hurt by him. He reaches out to cup his Captain’s cheek, his skin is cool to the touch; the contour of sharp cheekbone pressing against the curve of his palm. And he’s drawn to that luminescence that is Steve Rogers.

The kiss that follows is a wave that is constant with its intensity and temperature - Bucky does not surprise Steve with passionate surprises, rather he speaks to him in this calm but dangerous focus. Steve kisses back with equal intent to show how much he wants this, he wants Bucky. Steve’s hand moves to hold on to Bucky’s jaw and neck; his face pressing harder against Bucky’s.

Bucky delivers a knee-weakening slide of tongue on Steve’s lower lip that ends up sliding over teeth and caressing the roof of Steve’s mouth. 

Steve has to reach out and hold on to the rails of the balcony - eyes glazed over and his breathing a bit labored. "Thank you…“ he says finally, pitifully.

Bucky just smiles and moves back, merciless as he walks away from Steve, but the look he gives him - tells him to follow.

There are boxes in the apartment - just a few - but they are enough to line the hall leading to (what Steve guesses is) the bedroom. He passes a box that’s partly open and spies a few articles of clothing hanging from the side.

"Buck -”

“Yeah”

Steve has to draw breath and stop and stare because Bucky is no longer wearing his jacket and t-shirt. Steve can look past the scarring of where flesh meets the metal arm, but he can’t help push away the guilt - no matter what.

“Steve, what is it?” So matter-of-fact. So sure of where this night is leading.

“These are ours…” The box near his feet and the little boy jackets hanging from it.

“Yeah, got them from the Brooklyn apartment. Surprised I got to them first.”

“Ma hid them well from me.” Steve shakes his head –

– only to be startled when he looks back and sees that Bucky’s decimated the space between them and is now mere inches from him.

“Steve, stop dodging.”

“Who’s dodging?” A slow smile.

It’s a purely selfish act when Bucky leans in to kiss Steve again and an even more selfish act when Steve reciprocates without a care in the world.


	16. ...rain and daylight

They seem to find one another amidst downpours and storms.

Bucky once said it’s because they were one and the same - some terrifying occurrence that had been born somewhere in the far reaches of the horizon - moving about not waiting for the world to catch up with them. Steve suggested he was high on something and Bucky just chortled to punctuate the conversation.

 

 

A few weeks after their odd conversation a typhoon roles in without warning and the world stops to watch its power and glory in a savage display. Even New York City is humbled by its merciless treatment. The wind shows off by howling and plowing through everything it passes – rendering trees leafless and weak, the face of the streets itself - without people – evidence of its oppression.

Bucky is watching this all from his bedroom window and he wants it to be over soon. Because there is nothing to do at home and there are places to be at this time. A day without drowning in the notion that he is being useful is agonizing in the way that he feels he is not contributing anything to the world that spins with or without him anyway.

Also, he can’t go anywhere in this weather. He can’t commute to Manhattan where Steve is.

The world is dark and the sky is thick with nimbus clouds.

Too dark that he finds it difficult to picture Steve’s face in memory and he does not like that at all. It makes him feel anxious and brittle and small.

 

 

Steve sits by the window and watches the downpour.

This typhoon is unmerciful in its assault and he is hoping that Bucky is alright all the way Uptown. He counts the drops as they taint the glass and loses count when his phone lights up and it’s Natasha telling him to join them in the Home Theater. Steve complies and affirms.

There is an odd sense of serenity in that conversation.

The domesticity that binds them all as a team, the harmony that they all blatantly deny but its presence endures. Steve slowly moves from where he is seated towards the door, he takes a warm sweater and wears it before he exits.

 

 

Bucky finds solace in a book. He likes reading and it is to him like a badge of honor. But this isn’t who he is, even if books were hard to come by when he was growing up. Next to reading, Bucky finds observing people important. A need for his system to function with a certain amount of normalcy. Because when he is looking at people and watching their subtle quirks, he finds his own quirks aren’t that odd. 

That individuality is a gift from the free world.

Patrick McGrath’s book is compelling in its own way.

The mystery and shots of humor makes him chuckle before he loses interest and closes the book and tosses it on the coffee table. Bucky’s mouth aches for that indefinable whatever. His body is looking for something…someone.

 

 

The light above him flickers.

Steve watches as it goes from orange-black-orange then dies to gray. He isn’t surprised at all. And breathes calmly through the noise he hears from behind him. Then, there is the soft ascension of footsteps to where he is seated.

“The generator should kick in - in a minute. No one panic. We will get to see the end of the movie.” Stark declares.

“Yeah! We want to find out what happens to Toothless!” Barton fake-whines and everyone including Steve laughs a little.

To be honest, Steve wasn’t much into the movie and he excuses himself from everyone.

“I’ll come back as soon as the generator comes on. I forgot something in my room.”

When Steve is gone - Tony looks around in the dim room and wonders

“He doesn’t have the other geriatric in his room, right?”

Everyone ignores him.

 

 

When Steve’s back in his room he finds his phone and reads through the names in his contacts list - picks through it until he finds Bucky’s name. He dials.

Bucky sounds a little tired when he answers his phone. Ten-minutes after the power goes he is making himself believe that he needs sleep. Lots of it.

“This better be good Steve, I was asleep.”

“Do you think that this weather is beautiful or terrifying?”

The voice resonates with him and his world stops for just a moment. It’s dark all around him with only the glow from his phone illuminating the room.

“It’s annoying.”

“I think it is as well. And it’s only been a day.”

Bucky knows exactly what Steve means and he smiles. Knows what it’s like to have that little constitutional disrupted, just like his system missing Steve - he misses the coffee and the conversation. “I know. The weather is toying with us.”

Steve believes those words to be music – “Do you miss me?”

“I want to kiss you.” And Bucky mentally adds it to the list - make that coffee, conversation and kisses.

“They say the storm will leave New York in 24 hours.” Steve smiles into receiver and presses his forehead on the cool glass of his window and through it he feels the power of the wind outside.

“Good. That’s just in time for coffee.” There isn’t anything behind Bucky’s voice except the lack of chaos. "I look forward to seeing you.“ Steve is honest, like always. They are quiet for a while and it is the perfect interval when Steve closes his eyes in surprise as the lights come on and the generator kicks in. Steve runs his fingers through his golden hair and exhales.

"Do you think that there is another man out there like me?”

Bucky asks the question seriously, like the weight of the words are in gold and that somewhere in between the Bronx and Manhattan there is a valley that will forever divide them no matter how hard they try to stay together. Do you think there is another man out there like me - Bucky is saying - Do you think I am the only one who feels this way?

Steve looks up to an ashen sky with small slants of pale light seeping through. “There is.” Steve softly replies. Because he is what Bucky feels, same as Bucky is what he feels. They are two of a kind. "I want to see you, Buck.“ And Steve regrets what he just said because he knows that even in this weather, Bucky will find a way to make it happen. He protests a little late - because the line goes dead.

He looks out at the city, at the sky, and he purses his lips in a terse line.

 

 

"Capsicle! You took longer than we expected. Toothless saw the light and he became good again. I hope you don’t mine spoilers…”

“I- that’s alright.” Steve looks a little lost in the conversation.

“Is everything alright?” It’s Thor that asks this time.

“Y-yes.” Steve looks around and makes eye contact with everyone in the Home Theater. "I apologize in advance, I was talking to Bucky and without thinking I asked him to come over.“

"In this weather?” Tony asks.

“I wasn’t thinking…”

“It must be true love.” Natasha interjects. Tony fake-glowers at her all proud of her comment.

“Stop that.” Steve scolds them but falls on deaf ears. "If he’s not welcome…"

“No. You stop it!” Tony says dramatically then laughs a bit saying “I always wanted to do that. Anyway, Cap, really it’s fine. Get him all warm and dry though. No ruining any carpet - Pepper will have my head, so please.”

There is a mean comment at the tip of his tongue but Steve holds on to it and graciously nods at Tony. This is after all, Tony’s property, his home. "Thank you.“

 

 

It’s well into the evening when Jarvis informs them that they have a guest.

They’ve all migrated to the library and just hanging out when the notification comes through. Steve is the only one that stands up, he has a throw in his hands. 

"Cap!” Bruce calls out.

“Yes?”

“Have him join us here when he’s all warm and settled.” 

His smile is warm as daylight despite the storm outside, he gives him a little nod before leaving.

 

 

Bucky is allowed in the underground parking and that’s where Steve meets him - Bucky is sitting on his motorcycle waiting and he stands up when he sees Steve. Doesn’t even get a word out before Steve puts the throw around him and embraces him.

“I’m soaked, Steve.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Hi." 

Bucky’s embrace is solid and good and Steve just holds on tighter.


End file.
